What a Rick Perry Presidency Would Look Like for Women

Rick Perry has been Governor of Texas since before I was old enough to vote. As a native Texan born in the millennial age, I put Rick Perry in the same category as a cassette player or an AOL subscription -- something that has seemingly always been around, but has long since lost its purpose. Coming of age as a woman in Rick Perry's Texas is sort of like living in the wild, wild west, like an Annie Ovary of women's health, dodging old men wielding vaginal probes and vaccine mandates. With a governor who has a women's health record that's a bumpy country mile long possibly becoming our next President, what would it mean for women across America? Allow me.

First order of business in the Perry presidency would be the creation of the Department of Interior Contraception, or DIC. DIC would oversee approved contraceptive devices under Perry's watchful eye, the top item on the list being the most widely accepted, reliable option available to God-fearing Americans these days: abstinence. Now, while it's true Texas has the 3rd highest teen birth rate in the country and also true that a 2005 study found teens in Texas were actually having more sex after undergoing an abstinence-only program, Rick Perry still stands by the practice. Why? Not because there are actually any studies backing him up but "from my own personal life," Perry told the Texas Tribune's Evan Smith in an interview earlier this year. Comforting, isn't it? Rather than President Perry making decisions based on studies and figures, the free world will instead hinge on the regularity of his wife's cycles.

But don't take Rick Perry's word for it. Starting in 2012, women (and their partners -- suddenly that cowboy vote doesn't sound so good, does it gentlemen?) will get their very own chance to practice an abstinence-only approach when the recent law that requires health insurance companies to cover birth control will no doubt be rolled back by President Perry.

That brings us to the question of how Perry plans to punish women who don't fall into line with his tried and true abstinence methods. After all, without threat of punishment, I think it's safe to say Perry will probably be the only person in America abstaining from sex. For the sinners, Perry has already started a little pilot program right here in Texas. The state now requires mandatory transvaginal sonograms for women who are 8 to 10 weeks pregnant and seeking abortions. The bill, which Perry declared a piece of "emergency legislation" during the last legislative session, requires the doctor to describe the fetus and play audio of the heartbeat prior to the abortion procedure. President Perry's version of this bill will include an amendment to play Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A." during the procedure.

Alas, if all of this has you feeling down, ladies, don't fret. Think of all those cute babies we'll get to have. But in Rick Perry's America, you may want to home school. Texas ranks first in the nation in adults without high school diplomas. The future also doesn't look so bright for all those precious little ones when it comes to health insurance and potential jobs: Texas boasts another first in the nation in the percentage of children without health insurance and, in 2010, Texas tied with Mississippi for the highest percentage of workers employed in minimum-wage jobs. No wonder Governor Perry wants Texas to secede. It'd sure make us look less stupid.

At a speech given to the United for Life group in June, Perry bragged about Texas's recently-passed sonogram law and told attendees, "In Texas we have pursued policies to protect unborn children whenever possible." And you can bet your left Fallopian tube that, if elected, he'll continue to do the same for the unborn children of America. I just hope there's a Plan B pill for what happens when all these children grow up -- because President Perry, just like Governor Perry, certainly doesn't plan to care for them.

After all, where Rick Perry comes from, that's women's work.

10 Response to "What a Rick Perry Presidency Would Look Like for Women"

  • missris Says:

    After seeing firsthand what a disaster he has turned Texas into, especially with regard to funding for education and access to healthcare, I can imagine he'd be an even worse president than George W. Bush. And they said it couldn't be done.

  • Anonymous Says:

    Gov. Good Hair passes laws to control my fertility. President Obama creates laws in the name of "communities secure" by alienating Latino American communities (S-comm is a national SB1070, no doubt). What a crappy set of options. Do I want a worse place for my sex or do I want a worse place for my ethnic group? Thanks for nothing guys.

  • Logan Says:

    You do have 49 other options (56 if you use Obama math) that don't even require a passport. I'll write you!

  • Elmo Says:

    Perry seems to be gaining traction within the Republican hopefuls because he is not a woman, not black, not a Mormon, not Ron Paul, and unlike Rick Santorum the name "Perry" has not yet been associated with anal intercourse. I may be forced to drop Icky Ricky and revert to referring to him as Scary Perry because he really is a frightening prospect.

  • Tim Sullivan Says:

    LOL! Hilarious post, oh man, I can't stop laughi....wait, you WERE joking weren't you? No? OK, now I'm nervous.

  • Anonymous Says:

    Movie tip: Demographic winter - the decline of the human family


    Barack Obama and The Negro Project.

    Abortion and Black Genocide.


    Maafa 21: 13 episodes.


    Human rights for the unborn.

  • phohrh Says:

    Great post!! I also really enjoyed the one on Jason Stanford-thanks for reminding me about Farouk,how could I have forgotten the Chi!!

  • Natasha Says:

    If the sole purpose of the sonogram law was to see the position of the fetus to take the appropriate precautions when performing the abortion, well, that'd be understandable. But, sadly, Prick Perry cares more about forcing his own personal views upon us rather than concerning himself with the health of our poor sinning unfortunate souls. If I walked into an abortion clinic with bubble gum in my ears and eyelids taped shut, would they force me to remove them?

  • Anonymous Says:

    Don't know how any sentient person can make sense of this pitiful gibberish. But hey, you go, "mean girl"! LOL.


  • Anonymous Says:

    My daughter calls Rick Perry "Perry the Platypus" after the Phineas and Pherb show. Then she said, "wait, is he a manypus or a platypus?" I laughed.