First order of business in the Perry presidency would be the creation of the Department of Interior Contraception, or DIC. DIC would oversee approved contraceptive devices under Perry's watchful eye, the top item on the list being the most widely accepted, reliable option available to God-fearing Americans these days: abstinence. Now, while it's true Texas has the 3rd highest teen birth rate in the country and also true that a 2005 study found teens in Texas were actually having more sex after undergoing an abstinence-only program, Rick Perry still stands by the practice. Why? Not because there are actually any studies backing him up but "from my own personal life," Perry told the Texas Tribune's Evan Smith in an interview earlier this year. Comforting, isn't it? Rather than President Perry making decisions based on studies and figures, the free world will instead hinge on the regularity of his wife's cycles.
But don't take Rick Perry's word for it. Starting in 2012, women (and their partners -- suddenly that cowboy vote doesn't sound so good, does it gentlemen?) will get their very own chance to practice an abstinence-only approach when the recent law that requires health insurance companies to cover birth control will no doubt be rolled back by President Perry.
That brings us to the question of how Perry plans to punish women who don't fall into line with his tried and true abstinence methods. After all, without threat of punishment, I think it's safe to say Perry will probably be the only person in America abstaining from sex. For the sinners, Perry has already started a little pilot program right here in Texas. The state now requires mandatory transvaginal sonograms for women who are 8 to 10 weeks pregnant and seeking abortions. The bill, which Perry declared a piece of "emergency legislation" during the last legislative session, requires the doctor to describe the fetus and play audio of the heartbeat prior to the abortion procedure. President Perry's version of this bill will include an amendment to play Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A." during the procedure.
Alas, if all of this has you feeling down, ladies, don't fret. Think of all those cute babies we'll get to have. But in Rick Perry's America, you may want to home school. Texas ranks first in the nation in adults without high school diplomas. The future also doesn't look so bright for all those precious little ones when it comes to health insurance and potential jobs: Texas boasts another first in the nation in the percentage of children without health insurance and, in 2010, Texas tied with Mississippi for the highest percentage of workers employed in minimum-wage jobs. No wonder Governor Perry wants Texas to secede. It'd sure make us look less stupid.
At a speech given to the United for Life group in June, Perry bragged about Texas's recently-passed sonogram law and told attendees, "In Texas we have pursued policies to protect unborn children whenever possible." And you can bet your left Fallopian tube that, if elected, he'll continue to do the same for the unborn children of America. I just hope there's a Plan B pill for what happens when all these children grow up -- because President Perry, just like Governor Perry, certainly doesn't plan to care for them.
After all, where Rick Perry comes from, that's women's work.