State of the Texas Democratic Primary Address

Isn't it a great time to be a Texas Democrat's hair?

Tom Schieffer has got to be considering his exit strategy to the Crawford ranch right about now. Hank Gilbert got into the race and ruined all his fun. Schieffer's also being upstaged by not one but two men who sound like they belong on Dancing With the Stars instead of a campaign for Governor of Texas. "Humorist Kinky Friedman and hair magnate Farouk Shami" is how the Ft. Worth Star Telegram described them in a story today about how they didn't attend a candidate forum last night. Why bother? It's not like they're running for office or anything!

[Pause for laughter; applause.]

Now, I can't blame Schieffer for not wanting to spend any of his own money on a campaign against someone who's garnering headlines like "Kinky Friedman’s Pet Parade Has Hungry Armadillo, Gassy Horses." But "hair magnate" Farouk Shami brings a whole level of Sham-wow! to the podium. It's the stuff of little Texas rodeo queens' dreams: a handsome Palestinian, who scraped together millions by selling handheld griddles guaranteed to tame your mane, takes on Governor Good Hair, shifting the debate from health care and home foreclosures to hair products and humidity control.

I know we all have more important things in this state to discuss that don't involve frizz and follicles. As a Democrat, and more importantly, as a Texan, I get that. But as a girl with a long history of hair issues that have been less than Democratic, I'm thrilled to see Mr. Shami bringing the plight of untamed tresses to statewide attention. Millions of Texas women, young and old, struggle with their hair every day. And, for many years, I was one of them. As the daughter of a hardworking woman with multiple cow-licks and a self-made man with a tangle of curls, I've always walked the line of having sort of straight, sort of curly hair. And you know what? It's never been Just. Right.

That was until I bought a CHI iron, produced and distributed by Farouk Systems. It changed my life. Suddenly my curly hair fell straight and, more importantly, stayed straight for 8-10 hours no matter what the weather. It brought me a new level of hope and -- I like to think -- a commitment to maintaining our state's hair quality.

Let me set the record straight: I did pay $200 for it at one point in 2005, which will no doubt be exposed on Mr. Shami's TEC report. However, this does not mean I endorse Mr. Shami for Governor -- but I am proud to stand before you today and say: Two true blue thumbs up on his fantastic line of hair care!

Fellow Democrats, this is our time. No, not our time to have a serious Democratic candidate for Governor. That would be too much to ask for. But it is our time to cast aside our stale Paul Mitchell products and our low-wattage blow-driers. It is our time for good hair.

Because if we're going to lose in 2010, and as of now, we're going to lose big, then we might as well look good doing it.

Thank you and may God Bless Texas!
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