News to Me: Quickie-Mart Now Sells Womanhood

Damn, is there any better fix than being a woman?

Every day I get to wake up, shave my legs, wrestle my hair into something that more often than not resembles a squirrel's nest and think "By God. I sure am lucky to be a woman." Sometimes I even get a thrill when I wear a skirt outside on a particularly blustery day and the wind blows it straight up in the air.

But, like any good thing, there's the comedown. About once a month, my spine feels like a woodland creature is chewing through it, my forearms tingle with rage when a coworker says something outrageous like "Good morning" and I get the urge to either curl in a ball and sleep forever or get out a voodoo doll when I come home from work.

All of this, in the eyes of Texas Republican Congressman Pete Sessions, is merely penance for my poor choices in life, no different than a marijuana burnout or a particularly nasty hangover. In debating the health care reform bill, Congressman Frank Pallone (D-NJ) referenced discrimination by insurance companies by citing disparities in cost based on gender. When Rep. Sessions argued this was not against the law, Pallone explained it would become against the law and asked why this would be a problem.

"Well, we're all different," Sessions explained. "Why should a smoker pay more?"

Why should a smoker pay more? I don't know, Pete. But I'll take a crack at it. Maybe because a smoker chooses to smoke. As thrilling as it is, and as much as I enjoy your Party trying your best to control my uterus at every turn, it may come as a surprise to you that I didn't choose to be a woman. When I was thirteen, I didn't decide "Wow, PMS sounds awesome. All my friends are doing it. I'm going to try it!" I didn't buy my chromosomes from some red-eyed college student and I sure as hell didn't pick up my ovaries in a 7-11.

If I seem a bit irrational in my argument, don't blame me. It's just a side affect of my womanhood.

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