I decided to consult with some experts (a.k.a. my mom) on how to go about changing my habits. She gave me perhaps corny albeit useful advice: "You just need to look yourself in the mirror every night and say 'Rachel I love you and tonight I'm going to make you dinner.' If you can drag yourself out of bed every morning at 5 AM, you can make dinner for chrissake."
The philosophy is the same: This is not a negotiation.
Since then I have made myself several dinners high on consumption of time, low on taste or savory qualities. Apparently there are these things called recipes, which I don't really know much about so I instead choose to freehand cook my meals. Which is how I came up with "Mean Rachel's Smelly-Ass Turkey Pasta." Feel free to print out the following recipe.
Mean Rachel's Smelly-Ass Turkey Pasta
Smelly Ass Turkey Portion
1 lb. ground turkey - preferably in a tube of some sort so that when you squeeze it out, it doesn't actually look ground up it's just one large congealed cylinder. It reminded me of how in cartoons the characters would stick each other in pipes and such and come out looking like whole versions of themselves, shaped like a pipe. I could almost see that poor turkey staring back at me.)
2 cloves garlic - mashed up however you can mash them if you don't have a garlic press.
1/4 large onion - be sure to rub your eyes when chopping to add flavor to your sinus cavities.
2 tbs. "EVOO" - be sure to think to yourself "I'll show that f-in' Rachel Ray a 30 minute meal" while pouring.
Bowtie pasta - however many look good in whatever size cooking pot you have. Be sure to cook extra so you can throw them away two days later while feeling guilty and sad about Rwandans.
Boil a too-small pot of water. Bring to a roaring boil (you know it's ready when it is spilling out over the edges and you wonder how the pasta is going to fit in the pot with so much water -- don't worry, it won't.).
Dump pasta into pot. Watch water spill all over stove top. Grimace.
Try not to look at the pasta for the next 6-10 minutes.
In a separate pan, pour in EVOO. See section above for directions on how to pour. Add garlic and onion. Immediately get stung by splattering of oil. Turn heat down.
Squeeze "Ground" Turkey Cylinder into pan. Curse the wooden spoon you are trying to chop the turkey up with and grab some other sharp utensil made out of metal. Mash up turkey into the consistency of scrambled eggs and then ask yourself "why did I just do that?"
When in doubt, add some oregano. I know, I didn't list this in the ingredients because that's not how I roll. I like to panic and dig around for a familiar looking spice, and then toss in random amounts. This is where the oregano comes in.
Poke at turkey for a while and eventually say silent prayer to Allah and hope that it is cooked through all the way. Remove from heat. Remember the pasta still cooking and remove from heat as well. Strain pasta. Leave a few bow ties in the pot so that you will have to scrape the hardened pieces of pasta out of the pot after dinner.
Mix smelly ass turkey and bowtie in one bowl. Stare at it until you feel comfortable with it. Dole out a few spoonfuls and head for the couch. Box up the rest for lunch the next day and cover the portion you will throw away in two days and put in fridge.
Enjoy while watching "How To Mend a Broken Heart" ABC's newest nadir in reality shows. Assume you are headed in the right direction, what with your cooking skills and all.
The following day, take your extra portion with you to lunch where a coworker will inevitably murmur, twenty two seconds after you begin eating in the other room, "What's that smell?"
In other news, I was shanghaied into running the mile run test today at boot camp. I dragged myself in at 8 minutes, 26 seconds. Not an experience I would ever like to repeat. In fact, I don't know at what point running will become 'pleasant.' Nevertheless, a feat not to be repeated anytime soon.