The Bachelor: Episode 9
Subtitled: Nine Weeks, Twelve Trips to The Marq and All I Got Was Seven Returning Visitors to My Blog
Here we go, the final episode. The whole enchilada. The long stem of the rose. The final jet in the hot tub.
We start off how we began: Edamame, Michelob Ultra and cheesy panoramic views of the beach with The Bachelor staring pensively out into the distance and scratching his perfectly harvested five o'clock shadow. Hearts are gonna break, ladies!
It's family time. I actually was looking forward to this. Here comes DeAnna to meet Mama Womack and the Brothers Grim.
Cheesy jokes about gaining a sister in law and a bartender. Hopefully she knows how to make a Mean Rachel if she plans on working at The Marq.
The Bachelor says "She's good, huh?" Okay, we aren't sports betting here. Someone needs to get the over-under (that's what she said) on DeDe (personally my new favorite nickname that Mama Womack came up with, how the hell didn't I come up with that?).
DeDe talks about boring stuff that I tuned out, which I have found myself doing more and more often as this show wears on. I think she was talking about Jenni but since I don't speak Gushing Bachelorette, I don't know what the hell she was saying.
Now we are one commercial break closer to proving my theory correct. I should have bought some champagne for the occasion. I could have shared it with...uh...my cat.
More sweeping views of the beach and Jenni's grating, I-didn't-get-enough-attention-as-a-child voice comes on. Ughhhh. God I can't stand this girl. The Bachelor says he is on "cloud nine" as soon as he gets around Jenni without an e. If what he means by "cloud nine" is actually "still emotionally stunned by the memory of her bizarre tap dance on the home town date," then I'd have to agree.
Mama Womack comes out with "Have you said 'I love you' to Brad?" which I hope means she's assessed the situation and doesn't like Jenni purely due to the spelling error on her name, and Jenni stutters through various awkward excuses. If she was a touch quicker on her feet, she would have said "Not as much as I love dancing" and segued into a samba routine.
Now ABC proves they have managed to sink lower than the dolphin swimming date with the "let's toss a football" scene. Jenni pretends to actually enjoy the activity but there is a reason dudes play football and girls don't and that's because who wants someone hurling a pointed object at your chest? Jenni finally GTFO and hopefully the next time we see her she'll be mute. And have added an "e" onto the end of her name.
Brad and Mama Womack sit down for a cliffside heart-to-heart. Mama Womack has already sided with DeDe because she was the first one out of the gate. She declares that it's "black is black and white is white" with Brad. Similar to "The Marq either doesn't have a sign or it does."
I must have missed something. Where are we now? In a loaner apartment? DeDe says she'd have to be picked up off the ground if Brad doesn't choose her, which I'm really looking forward to watching when the time comes.
Weird quiet dinner ensues which goes to prove that without dolphins and string quartets, this show has very little ground to stand on. DeDe says that when Brad started opening up to her that she felt like the only person in his life. Get in line, sister. That line stretches around the corner of 5th and Congress nightly. Leslie probably feels like the only person in Brad's life.
DeDe goes into Gushing Bachelorette mode and I lose focus. The Bachelor looks a little choked up, no doubt having an "Oh Shit" moment. This is similar to how I feel when I look in the freezer and realize I have no edamame left.
Which reminds me. I guess I took for granted that everyone knew what edamame was. If you are not in the know, it is skraight up soybeans. All that is required to cook them is boiling a pot of water and dumping the bag in for a few seconds. The best part is that you don't have to wash anything since it only gets water on it. And no, E-Dub, they are not empanadas. But nice try.
Now we're on to Jenni. Okay evidently these are the apartments of the girls. Or something. And I feel like 90% certain I just saw Jenni put edamame down on the dinner table, which might just send me over the edge because you absolutely cannot spell the word edamame without an "e."
Yes there are chopsticks involved! It has got to be edamame. That basically is the funniest thing I have ever seen. So funny that I'm having a hard time focusing on how much I can't stand Jenni.
Okay Prediction Numero Uno is already in full effect. Jenni is losing her marbles. My reason for predicting this was that DeDe had her mom die, and this will not be the worst thing in her life if it doesn't happen. However, Jenni hasn't had to really struggle at all, other than perhaps taking her cranky grandmother to Walmart or something, so she's going to take this really hard when it all goes downhill.
Hahaha breaking out the journal! Wow. This is almost as hilarious as the poems. At least a poem is concise. She should take up blogging, it's a great passive-aggressive way of sharing what you would write in your journal with people (and assorted strangers from Belgium). Now she's crying and The Bachelor attempts to console her. Jenni comes out with the L word and then loses it.
Brad's got some serious decisions to make. And by "serious" I mean slightly inconsequential in the scheme of his life and absolutely pointless to the greater good of the world.
Brad wakes up with "so much on his mind" and off he goes shopping for an engagement ring. Because that's what I do when I've got a lot on my mind. Some pondering of rings goes down, and then he picks some bling. Too bad it'll never make it onto someone's hand.
Here we are by the ocean, where everything goes down on these types of shows. Gushing Bachelor and Gushing Bachelorette talk ensues. Then the word "hate." "I hate to say this." And it's goodbye Jenni. Annnnd it's basically what I reenacted in The Marq less than a week ago. Lots of crying, lots of "I wish I had an 'e' on the end of my name," and then sad music and goodbyes.
Jenni feels rejected. Or rjctd. Take your pick. Ah well. I'm sure there's some hot guy on the Phoenix Suns she can tramp it up with.
One down, another one to crush. I can tell that they have taken clips from old episodes and recordings and mashed them together on the voice over to make Brad sound like he's about to propose to DeDe. But I am not your average dumbass Bachelor watcher, so I will not be fooled by this up-beat crap.
DeDe makes it up to the stand or whatever you call it where people meet to do these ridiculous things. The Bachelor starts telling DeAnna how he was "done" from the first time he saw her. "Done" being the operative word here.
Annnnd here we go with "Remember when you told me that marriage is for one time and one time only? I feel the same way." BUT! But what Brad? Do tell, as we are dying to know. And by "we" I mean "everyone but me as I already figured this out."
Brad does some laps around the lush garden, tugging at his tie, while DeAnna stands and looks uncomfortable.
"I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I love you. I have to tell you good bye."
That would be Scene 3 from the Mean Rachel Reenactment. Now we are moving on to Scene 4 which is when DeDe gets pissed, because like I said, her mom died so she's definitely not going to be sad about this as she has way more perspective on life than Jenni, who only has prspctv.
Cue the lone rose and pissed off DeDe by the limo. Brad obviously feels bad. But whatevs. It's a game show. I do wonder what the public reaction is going to be to the end of this...he will definitely be losing some points with the Clueless Female vote.
Chubby Charles actually joined me for the ending of the show, and I can't see this ending any better than with several broken hearts, my cat staring at me unimpressed, and my beer getting warm. Oh and The Lone Bachelor looking a touch disheartened holding his engagement ring.
Annnnnd just like that I get my Mondays back. Drinks next week, anyone? I know a good bar.
We start off how we began: Edamame, Michelob Ultra and cheesy panoramic views of the beach with The Bachelor staring pensively out into the distance and scratching his perfectly harvested five o'clock shadow. Hearts are gonna break, ladies!
It's family time. I actually was looking forward to this. Here comes DeAnna to meet Mama Womack and the Brothers Grim.
Cheesy jokes about gaining a sister in law and a bartender. Hopefully she knows how to make a Mean Rachel if she plans on working at The Marq.
The Bachelor says "She's good, huh?" Okay, we aren't sports betting here. Someone needs to get the over-under (that's what she said) on DeDe (personally my new favorite nickname that Mama Womack came up with, how the hell didn't I come up with that?).
DeDe talks about boring stuff that I tuned out, which I have found myself doing more and more often as this show wears on. I think she was talking about Jenni but since I don't speak Gushing Bachelorette, I don't know what the hell she was saying.
Now we are one commercial break closer to proving my theory correct. I should have bought some champagne for the occasion. I could have shared it with...uh...my cat.
More sweeping views of the beach and Jenni's grating, I-didn't-get-enough-attention-as-a-child voice comes on. Ughhhh. God I can't stand this girl. The Bachelor says he is on "cloud nine" as soon as he gets around Jenni without an e. If what he means by "cloud nine" is actually "still emotionally stunned by the memory of her bizarre tap dance on the home town date," then I'd have to agree.
Mama Womack comes out with "Have you said 'I love you' to Brad?" which I hope means she's assessed the situation and doesn't like Jenni purely due to the spelling error on her name, and Jenni stutters through various awkward excuses. If she was a touch quicker on her feet, she would have said "Not as much as I love dancing" and segued into a samba routine.
Now ABC proves they have managed to sink lower than the dolphin swimming date with the "let's toss a football" scene. Jenni pretends to actually enjoy the activity but there is a reason dudes play football and girls don't and that's because who wants someone hurling a pointed object at your chest? Jenni finally GTFO and hopefully the next time we see her she'll be mute. And have added an "e" onto the end of her name.
Brad and Mama Womack sit down for a cliffside heart-to-heart. Mama Womack has already sided with DeDe because she was the first one out of the gate. She declares that it's "black is black and white is white" with Brad. Similar to "The Marq either doesn't have a sign or it does."
I must have missed something. Where are we now? In a loaner apartment? DeDe says she'd have to be picked up off the ground if Brad doesn't choose her, which I'm really looking forward to watching when the time comes.
Weird quiet dinner ensues which goes to prove that without dolphins and string quartets, this show has very little ground to stand on. DeDe says that when Brad started opening up to her that she felt like the only person in his life. Get in line, sister. That line stretches around the corner of 5th and Congress nightly. Leslie probably feels like the only person in Brad's life.
DeDe goes into Gushing Bachelorette mode and I lose focus. The Bachelor looks a little choked up, no doubt having an "Oh Shit" moment. This is similar to how I feel when I look in the freezer and realize I have no edamame left.
Which reminds me. I guess I took for granted that everyone knew what edamame was. If you are not in the know, it is skraight up soybeans. All that is required to cook them is boiling a pot of water and dumping the bag in for a few seconds. The best part is that you don't have to wash anything since it only gets water on it. And no, E-Dub, they are not empanadas. But nice try.
Now we're on to Jenni. Okay evidently these are the apartments of the girls. Or something. And I feel like 90% certain I just saw Jenni put edamame down on the dinner table, which might just send me over the edge because you absolutely cannot spell the word edamame without an "e."
Yes there are chopsticks involved! It has got to be edamame. That basically is the funniest thing I have ever seen. So funny that I'm having a hard time focusing on how much I can't stand Jenni.
Okay Prediction Numero Uno is already in full effect. Jenni is losing her marbles. My reason for predicting this was that DeDe had her mom die, and this will not be the worst thing in her life if it doesn't happen. However, Jenni hasn't had to really struggle at all, other than perhaps taking her cranky grandmother to Walmart or something, so she's going to take this really hard when it all goes downhill.
Hahaha breaking out the journal! Wow. This is almost as hilarious as the poems. At least a poem is concise. She should take up blogging, it's a great passive-aggressive way of sharing what you would write in your journal with people (and assorted strangers from Belgium). Now she's crying and The Bachelor attempts to console her. Jenni comes out with the L word and then loses it.
Brad's got some serious decisions to make. And by "serious" I mean slightly inconsequential in the scheme of his life and absolutely pointless to the greater good of the world.
Brad wakes up with "so much on his mind" and off he goes shopping for an engagement ring. Because that's what I do when I've got a lot on my mind. Some pondering of rings goes down, and then he picks some bling. Too bad it'll never make it onto someone's hand.
Here we are by the ocean, where everything goes down on these types of shows. Gushing Bachelor and Gushing Bachelorette talk ensues. Then the word "hate." "I hate to say this." And it's goodbye Jenni. Annnnd it's basically what I reenacted in The Marq less than a week ago. Lots of crying, lots of "I wish I had an 'e' on the end of my name," and then sad music and goodbyes.
Jenni feels rejected. Or rjctd. Take your pick. Ah well. I'm sure there's some hot guy on the Phoenix Suns she can tramp it up with.
One down, another one to crush. I can tell that they have taken clips from old episodes and recordings and mashed them together on the voice over to make Brad sound like he's about to propose to DeDe. But I am not your average dumbass Bachelor watcher, so I will not be fooled by this up-beat crap.
DeDe makes it up to the stand or whatever you call it where people meet to do these ridiculous things. The Bachelor starts telling DeAnna how he was "done" from the first time he saw her. "Done" being the operative word here.
Annnnd here we go with "Remember when you told me that marriage is for one time and one time only? I feel the same way." BUT! But what Brad? Do tell, as we are dying to know. And by "we" I mean "everyone but me as I already figured this out."
Brad does some laps around the lush garden, tugging at his tie, while DeAnna stands and looks uncomfortable.
"I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I love you. I have to tell you good bye."
That would be Scene 3 from the Mean Rachel Reenactment. Now we are moving on to Scene 4 which is when DeDe gets pissed, because like I said, her mom died so she's definitely not going to be sad about this as she has way more perspective on life than Jenni, who only has prspctv.
Cue the lone rose and pissed off DeDe by the limo. Brad obviously feels bad. But whatevs. It's a game show. I do wonder what the public reaction is going to be to the end of this...he will definitely be losing some points with the Clueless Female vote.
Chubby Charles actually joined me for the ending of the show, and I can't see this ending any better than with several broken hearts, my cat staring at me unimpressed, and my beer getting warm. Oh and The Lone Bachelor looking a touch disheartened holding his engagement ring.
Annnnnd just like that I get my Mondays back. Drinks next week, anyone? I know a good bar.
Labels:
Brad Womack,
The Bachelor
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MR you're awesome. Brad is awesome too. Hells yeah to not picking any stupid bachelorette. HAHA
Let the record stand: You called it from Day One.
did you say drinks? thanks for the re-cap.....i missed it.