And now...for something completely different! We've gone from cage fighting to cat fighting. Here we are, three episodes from the end. This is the longest committed relationship (with a TV show) I've ever been in. Editor's note: I am told this is almost over! There is only one episode left and it's next week. Thank you 8lb. baby Jesus.

Tonight is The Women Tell All Episode. I'm really looking forward to this because they bring back all the crazy, deformed people. I've found that, similar to American Idol, this show is way more fun to watch when the loony tunes are still around.

They aren't pulling any punches -- starting off the show with a recap of all these girls talking crap about each other. That should make things intimate on the stage. McNewt pulls a "I'm not a bully I'm just 'forward'" move and then turns around and shows off her forwardness to everyone. Chris Harrison comes back and points out that no, she's just a bitch.

Silly Hillary managed to get out of Shady Acres for the evening, but don't worry -- security is standing by. Coming up we get to relive Silly Hillary's How to Have a Meltdown on National TV program -- and also, I might add, the inspiration for my Rejected Bachelorette costume.

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I choke on my edamame in hearing the words "strong bond." What? Brad Womack, a trash bag dress and sobbing all dinner long does not a "strong bond" make. Chris Harrison refers to her How to Have a Meltdown on National TV as an "emotional exit." I find that whenever I get in a straight jacket and start weeping that things do tend to get emotional.

So Silly Hillary admits that she needs medication. An interesting glimpse into the soul of Hillary. Obviously Shady Acres has since adjusted her levels and/or adjusted her hair dye solution as I think that might have had something to do with her emotional peaks and valleys (or, as it were, just valleys).

"I wish Brad had just told me, 'hey let's just be friends,'" Hillary says. But since I'm fluent in Crazy, I can tell you that what she really means is "I wish I hadn't been so overloaded with serotonin that I couldn't see straight."

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Oh, awesome, Fembot is up now. Chris Harrison hits the ho on the head referring to her as "sauntering up." Bitches tend to saunter.
Now here's Ichabod the dad, whom I probably hate more than George W. Bush himself whenever I see him. What a Pretentious Asshole and can I just say how glad I am that he is captured on TV that way. You can't edit Pretentious Asshole.
Fembot looks like she's getting a little emotional. And by "emotional" I mean "stoic as ever." Pretentious Assholes tend to deprive their children of kindness and feelings, and I blame Ichabod for her problems.

Okay obvs Hillary is still trying to get with Brad by siding with him on Bettina's mystery. Perhaps she should join my The Bachelor Picks No One betting pool (not so much a pool, just me by myself saying The Bachelor picks no one.) Bettina says that she was turned off by The Bachelor getting defensive about Pretentious Asshole & Co's judgment day. Oh here we go again! Question from the audience and Silly Hillary starts trying to push for how he family wouldn't have judged him.
And some idiot asks if there was awkwardness during The Bachelor Trifecta Dates, which I don't think anyone actually answers -- just strange giggling and doe-eyed "Are they allowed to ask that?" looks at Chris. To the audience member who asked that: Seriously. Is the sky blue? Are Solisa's boobs fake? There's your answer.

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Now it's time for Sheena, and she's looking as composed and uncrazy as ever (I think that could be because the sun is in the house of the Aires Moon tonight). Hey! Even the producers liked her -- they didn't show her wiping out on the stairs. Fabulous.
I want to know what "Internet Marketing" is exactly. Like...for what? Does this girl work for an Internet Marketing company? Or at a company in the Internet Marketing department? In which case, what company? And why do these people never discuss their jobs on these shows? Other than Jenni "I'm a Dancr," you never hear them talk about what they do.

OH! Oh! I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry. Because women belong in the home.

Okay and here we are again with the old Parent Trap switcheroo. Chad's sent out again. This ought to be an awkward recap. They throw Nose Job Lindsey under the bus and some other dark haired girl whom I will instantly forget as soon as her face disappears from the TV screen.

Chad says how much class Sheena has and then Chris is like "Aw that's nice, now let's talk about some of the other girls." In other words, girls who don't exude class or confidence. They all offer up token stupid reasons and we go to commercial. It's too bad Chad was married, they could have done Twin The Bachelors and brought in 40 crazy ass women. Oodles of material there.

Next up: Brad sings "Let's Get Together" while Chad strums the guitar.

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Here we go, they've tossed the chum out to the sharks. The Bachelor is the king of the dependent clause. "When I came here, Chris, it was for the right reasons." "Bettina's family was very nice though they were also pretentious assholes." Watch for it.

Now we are getting into Bettina and the age-old "Why did Brad give Bettina the rose?" question. He comes back at it with "It was about you, not your family."

Then we have the Horny Bachelorette-tage. There's Hillary, not giving a good God-damn. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, go watch this immediately.

Brad says that he's happy and followed his heart and that he has not a single regret. Which of course we all know means he came back to Austin and realized that while Christian morals and values are great, a blogger who can boil a pot of water and cook up some edamame is way better.