Here we go. I'll see how long it takes me to toss this computer out the window.
Accordingly we're drinking Coors tonight in honor of the Rockies for winning the NLDS. Game 3, I might add, we were able to watch the end of thanks to Brad Womack himself on Saturday night in a very suave "If I turn on this game for you will you leave me alone to BS with the rest of my bar's patrons?" move.

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Okay we're going to a circus. Apparently webbed feet aren't freaky enough, we have to toss clowns into the mix. Brad says there will be surprises. He wants to see lions, tigers, boobs--oh my! Did I just say that?
DeAnna proclaims that the elephant is big. There are enough phallic references in this thirty second clip to shake an elephant trunk at. "I want to pet the elephant." "Really has a good grip on it."
Some balls are in play now. And jugglers. This looks like a bad episode of Blind Date. Where are the pop ups? "Someone breaks their neck in...three...two..." Damn.
Jenni without an "e" get into it. Tries to convince Brad that Phoenix is a more appealing city than Austin. Uses the phrase "fall in love with." And so it was born "The IN LOVE DRINKING GAME." Because single people love to ridicule lovebirds. So, you know the drill. Every time someone references falling in love, we're drinking. And I don't mean just a sip. Chug whatever's left. Get all over it.
Jenni has been single for five years. This also means "I have been whoring it up for five years with the Phoenix football team." Or whatever team it is an "executive assistant/dancer" dances for.
McCarten looks like a newt. Don't believe me? Go Google image that skritt.
I think I'm in love. With this beer. Chug.

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This isn't any typical day at the circus, Brad announces. "We're not only watching the circus but we're also going to see Morgan use her webbed feet to suction herself to a small West Highland Terrier."
I want to know whose terrible idea this circus was. Seriously. First of all...the lighting? Really? The strange darkened audience members? What? Fire that production manager. The Bachelor announces he felt like he was the King of the World. Here's how it's going to go down, guys. When I think Brad is making crap up, I'm going to refer to him as The Bachelor.
The Bachelor announces how much thought he has to put into the rose ceremony. Sits down with McNewt who is giving of "a friendly newt vibe." Brad says "Are you that confident of a woman?" Oh! McNewt comes through in the clutch with a circus simile! That's right! Someone paid attention in Language Arts. "Dating Brad is like a tightrope walk. Sometimes you're the webbed feet, sometimes you're the broken face."
Silly Hillary gets whatever it is that gets you a date. Does The Bachelor hand select these people for the one-on-one dates or does the same person who picked this circus bit pick these ladies? I need to study up on the politics of Bachelorettedom.
Rose time. There's Something About Mary's Dad hands Brad the rose and The Bachelor hands it to Stephy. When did her name become Stephy? How about you come back to me when you can actually say her name which I believe is/was/might have been at some point "Estefania."
Lots of 'in love' is coming up guys. I can feel it. Marriages, tears, Chad's cameo...pop a top.

And hey, McAlcoholics, how about you vote for me for Austin's Hottest Bachelorette so I can get a little fame out of this deal? Please? Cat food is expensive. No, seriously. So are the cab rides carting my drunken, single ass home every weekend.

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Silly Hillary's here to fall in love! Du-rink up, depressed women and ambiguously gay male readers! Someone apparently told Hillary that she looked hot wrapped in a Hefty trash bag. The Bachelor says he's at a loss for words. How about "Glad you bought Glad?" DeAnna's jealous that all of that jewelry went to waste. Pun intended.
Brad's taking her to SFO. Sweet. I recommend Inner Sunset for discovering your alter-ego. (Shout out just for you AtotheZ!)
Uh oh. Silly Hillary offers to give up the trash bag on her back to be "in love." I started drinking but then I choked because Hillary started crying. Crying! Isn't this like, the third episode? She obviously doesn't know that you're supposed to cry after the third date, not while you're on it. The Bachelor says he likes the serious side.

Awkward.

The Bachelor feels bad. Or maybe so does Brad, merely based on awkwardness. God. This reminds me of my most recent first date when I showed him my business card collection after he spilled ice tea all over me. And by most recent I mean 2005. Did I mention I'm in the running for Austin's Hottest Bachelorette?
Silly Hillary is still crying. What. The. Hell. Okay, who gave her the white wine? That'll do it every time. That and a trash bag cinched around you will make any girl start sobbing uncontrollably.
DeAnna doesn't think Hillary's coming back. There is some debate as to whether she'll come back or not. I'm not sure what they mean by "come back." Can you get eliminated on a date? Did I miss something? If so, no wonder this chick is STILL CRYING.
The Bachelor gives her the sympathy rose. If I get pulled over for speeding, I want Brad to be the cop. Waterworks will get it done. Make a note.
Silly Hillary is looking as if Morgan ran over her face with her webbed feet. And broke it.

Someone better get out a bottle of tequila soon. I like the promise of Solisa "coming up." Christian morals & values are good for ratings, did you know?

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Here we go. Brad looks hot in a sailor's hat. Or maybe I'm just relieved we're not at a snooze-fest circus or watching SillyCrybabyHillary drowning The Bachelor in her tears.
Yes. This is definitely better. Acupuncturist Kristy sort of looks like Ursula in the final wedding scene of The Little Mermaid. "I can get used to this," she says, holding the wheel of the boat. Freeze frame that, Brad! Freeze frame it! That's a gold digger look she has in her eyes! The Bachelor says it's like "talking to a friend" that he's attracted to. Dude, I know a good acupuncturist. Let me refer you to her. Free healthcare isn't worth it, trust me.
Solisa announces on national TV that "the only thing she knows how to do" is shake her butt. I bet her parents are proud, that is if they're not still stuck in traffic on I-35 on their commute home to Georgetown.
Bettina fell in love on a waverunner! Yes, this drinking game has promise when you factor in these desperate women. She's desperate, windblown and in love and The Bachelor likes it. She has everything he's looking for in a 2 month, jacuzzi-based relationship. Minus that pesky marriage and divorce thing. Brad immediately inquires about children, since it's awfully hard to do the Cupid Shuffle with a three year old in tow. He looks stunned. "Excuse me?" He doesn't know what to say. In fact, this is the most Brad we've gotten in the last 30 minutes. I like his response: "'Kay." And by "'kay" he means "Holy shit."
Bettina, your chances were definitely ruined. Acupuncturist Kristy gets the rose, which isn't too surprising since...well, since it was either her or the ass-shaking talents of St. Mary Katherine Solisa.

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It's the twin brother Chad. Who I might mention looks absolutely nothing like Brad. My sister looks more like me. Hell, Solisa looks more like me. I want to know how drunk you have to get to confuse these guys, because I have seen them both under the influence of alcohol and was not fooled. Granted I have an uncanny sensory perception for young handsome men who are searching for their blogger soulmates, so that could have something to do with it. But I digress. The brothers are having a heart-to-heart. They discuss the love word. I say we drink. Cheers to Chad for hypothesizing a situation for our drinking game.
Coming up: Cyrano De Bachelor meets the ladies. In the meantime, vote for me. I don't have a twin sister but we can't all be Brad, now can we?

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Here we go. This is bizarre, mainly because I'm having a hard time believing that McNewt isn't immediately wondering where The Bachelor went and what this random man is doing talking to her. I forgot all about this Midwesterner with the nose job. Where has she been? Brad looks sad that no one has leaped up and said "Who the hell are you?" Yup. He says it'll break his heart. Who is this girl? I forget. She looks confused. She picks up on the voice difference. Brad looks so much happier. I like this girl. Whoever the hell she is. The Acupuncturist picks up on it. Some other girl gets it figured out. Okay apparently the only two idiots were the ones at the beginning. Uh oh. Sarah's being set up. This was the girl from the beach who fried my AC adapter last episode! Down with Sarah. Oh, Sarah's from O'Fallon. Well that explains everything. People in O'Fallon are a little off. I warned you from the start, guys.
Ha! This is great. I hope he kicks off all of those idiots who didn't figure it out. Down with all of them. Obviously they also won't be able to do other things like pick up the right kid at school, write down a grocery list, or other various acts that require brain cells.
Oh the girl I decided I liked is Sheena. An "ee" sound in her name and yet I like her. A first. I just checked my list from the first week of whom he should eliminate immediately and she's not on it. So let's keep He-Man's jilted lover around.

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Ah there's my man. No, no, not The Bachelor -- Chris Harrison. When is he coming to Austin? Only Chris would say something like, "Lindsey didn't ever...really...put it...together." A very Chris Harrison way of saying "LINDSEY IS AN IDIOT." I like all of these ways of politely implying these people are dumb as stumps. "It seemed like she...kind of thought...something might be..." By "kind of thought" Chris Harrison means "if she could think, she might have thought."
Now it's time for C to the Rad to go back to Texas. And then there was one. And twelve creepy photos of "these ladies" whom The Bachelor cares about.
Question: When did this show become soley about marrying a millionaire? In my reality TV show memory, I thought they created The Bachelor as a response to the terribly received, controversial "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" Wasn't The Bachelor supposed to be about people just potentially getting engaged? Anyway, I'm not buying it. This should be "Who Wants to Shake Their Ass in a Millionaire's Face and Watch It Six Months Later, Still Single and Alone."

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The rose ceremony. They better wrap this up. Wait, is that Chad? I kid, I kid. I think Lindsey is still confused and trying to figure out who's who.
Sheena makes it. Sweet. I'm on team Sheena! And by Team Sheena I mean I will root for her until the final episode when The Bachelor announces he feels his Texas roots calling to him and that he has to go back to Austin to find a blogger. McNewt and Jenni the dancer get roses. Jade gets a rose. DeAnna does too. Solisa commences shaking her ass in one last attempt to not be sent back to the depths of hell in Georgetown. Bettina gets the final rose and looks creepy and weird and gasps a lot.
"That twin thing just threw me off." Um...okay, Sarah. No biggie. They're just TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Solisa announces she wears her "Special parts on the outside!" !!!! Oh I'm sorry. I'm laughing too hard to even make a comment on that. Brad says "Good to know you." And your special parts.

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Drama ensues next week. McNewt gets it, I can tell. The girls get creative with their own little Mc names. They should take up blogging. It's highly rewarding.

Well, that was a bit anticlimactic. The only thing I learned tonight is that television will in fact rot your brain and that Solisa's milkshake is better than ours, but does not apparently bring all the boys to the yard after all.

Thank God for local news. Mayor Will Wynn is on. This is like a double-header of hottness. I'm in love with the Mayor. There, I said it. Now finish your beers.