Subtitled: Please State Your Name, Occupation and Known STD's
I'm ready. I've got my bowl of edamame and a Michelob Ultra someone left in my fridge, with Chubby Charles at my feet. I think I fit the prototypical Bachelor-watcher. Bring the cocktail dresses!
Dancing With the Stars...something I'll never understand. When did washed up soap opera stars ballroom dancing with ambiguously gay men become popular? Bring the acrylic nails and Zoom whitened teeth!
In honor of Brad Womack's string of bars, I'm going to turn this into a drinking game. Every time Brad is shown shirtless, I'm going to drink. This includes video montages of "Who is Brad?" as well as any preliminary hot-tub/pool chicken fight scenes.
Dancing With the Stars is wrapping up. Oh my God, this is even better than when I met Will Wynn.
Three hundred and thirty five hot tubs and we've only got one wedding and a baby out of the deal? I love these stats! They should dedicate an entire show to Bachelor statistics.
Mmmm...Oh! Running shirtless on Lady Bird Lake Hike & Bike Trail! DRINK!
Cheers! They're drinking champagne. Did I tell you guys we polished off the last two bottles of Andre?
Shirtless as a baby in the tub? I guess that counts. DRINK!
Stationed in the Gulf of Mexico on an oil rig in his late teens, early twenties.
Oh! Shirtless running past the Convention Center. DRINK!
Walking into The Marq. Is that me back there? The girl with the flask?
"I'm missing that one thing I've always wanted and that is a Austin blogger." Oh, Brad, you shouldn't have.
Shirtless in the shower! Getting dressed! DRINK! DRINK!
Here come the creepy ladies! Awesomeness.
Commercial break. Thank God. I need to go get another beer to keep up. Please excuse any typos from here onward.
What a quaint Malibu home, Chris Harrison.
It's a shame old Chris is married. I'd go on a show called "Who Wants to Mary The Cheesy TV Host."
Ok hoochies. Oh! Opening with Lori, the Biology Teacher.
"Silly Hillary?" Home girl needs to start a blog.
Solisa has fake boobs. Classic editing: "The moment I meet the Bachelor, my heart is going to be jumping out of my chest," she says, as they cut to her pulling a spandex halter dress over her giant boobs. Nice.
Hahaha "My strategy is to not cry, and not get drunk." Mine too, sister, mine too.
Interesting...now the girl is drinking in the limo. Might want to slow down.
Brad shows up. Strong handshake, this I know for a fact. This is somewhat trippy. Very meta.
Commercial. From the looks of the "Coming Up" clip, Brad's strategy is to "Not stare at their boobs and keep my tux on for as long as possible."
So in case you're wondering, the Austin ABC affiliate is promoting The Bachelor on their 10 PM news. Now I don't feel so bad. If everyone else is capitalizing on this, I might as well get some Google hits out of the deal. No restraining order jokes, please.
Apparently Brad is the sexiest bachelor ever. Ever? Wait. Matt Damon was a bachelor once. Boston accent trumps Texas accent, I'll admit it. Brad announces he is a millionaire. This does not explain why The Marq didn't have a sign for the first six months of operation.
Okay, Brad is acing this interview. Brad Womack for President. He confesses he has an identical twin.
"Imagine," says Chris, "walking into a room of 25 beautiful women. All eyes are on you. Can you handle it?"
"Just a typical night at The Marq."
Chris obviously thinks that Brad is going to get eaten alive.
Less interviewing, more shirtless scenes! I'm thirsty!
The ladies/golddiggers/assorted beauty salon employees are arriving. You could cut the desperation with a knife.
Sheena, also known as He-Man's Jilted Lover, steps out. Looks like she got caught in a paper shredder.
Jenni, the "dancer," arrives. Kim, the tall chick, arrives. Brad seems to really go for the dress. Gives her a hug. Sarah from O'Fallon, IL rolls up. Bettina, another realtor comes out. The hugging is now a pattern. I think he forgot to hug the first few and realized he should start.
Hoochie Party Bus arrives. The news anchor, Jessica, walks out. I recognize her because I remember her terrible high lights from her bio picture. Morgan the graduate student shows up. "Do you like my dress?"
Self-proclaimed "Miss Brown Sugar" shows up, birth name Regina. Brad apparently was coached by his mother to compliment their dresses.
I got distracted by a typo. Missed that girl, but her friend lived in Austin. "Now we have something to talk about."
DeAnna walks up and starts talking in Greek. DeAnna, how do you say "horizontal stripes are not flattering," in Greek?
Juli without an "e" on the end! YES! That is what these "ee" girls do! Change it up. Excuse me, I'm gagging.
McCarten the Irish girl shows up and says creepy stuff about dreaming about the Bachelor. Brad says "I can't wait to meet you inside."
Weird silver dress girl shows up. "I'll see you inside." That is apparently Brad's "get outta here" line.
Lindsey the Michigan model assaults Brad with her Midwestern accent.
I'm exhausted. Ten more women to go. Really? And ten will get kicked off? Ditch Juli without an e! Please!
And I'm just going to close my eyes and imagine Brad shirtless, because this has been way too long without a drink. I invite you to join me.
Acupuncturist Kristy. Or Christie? Dunno. She forgot to tell him how to spell her "ee" name.
Giant Boob Solisa says she's from Austin. No, Georgetown is not Austin. Georgetown is the seventh circle of hell.
Some girl I missed because I was getting worked up about Solisa's slanderous account of where she was from.
Silly Hillary is a nurse. Here comes Lori the biology teacher. Hm. She looks a bit vacant. Actually, it's her eyes. Her banter is okay, it's her eyes that are weird. She has those crazy googly runaway bride eyes.
Missed this girl's name. Pink dress.
Mallory the nanny from Hawaii is here. Brad seems either smitten or weirded out by her.
Michele, another realtor, Jersey girl is here. This lady's biological clock is obviously ticking. She used the word "love" in her opener.
Melissa says she's nervous. Uses the word "sweetness." Not sure what's worse.
Jade got a kiss. And a twirl. Oh my god - the second "love" bomb has been dropped. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk out of the limo again?" She asks.
"Do you believe in awkward long silences? Or should you use a corny pick up line on national TV?"
This drinking game has lost it's thrill. I say we drink now whenever someone says "love" and/or shakes their boobs.
Brad thinks his wife could be waiting for him inside. Really? For serious? Because I didn't see any bloggers in that crowd.
Cheering bachelorettes. Now I remember why I don't watch this show.
Okay Jenni the dancer looks like one of the evil stepsisters from Cinderella. "Sing sweet nighting gale...sing sweet desperation."
Horizontal stripes is up. DeAnna the Grecian with the southern accent. I'm confused. Realtor by day, bartender by night? What?
This banter is a bit dull. Surfer girl, yak yak. Chinese medicine crazy girl talks the bachelor into sticking out his tongue.
Broken faces girls bond together. But wait - the news anchor went and stole him. She called herself a journalist. Is holding an imaginary microphone. Uh oh! Breaking news. Crazy gray dress goes for the kill.
Okay. Yawn. I now remember why I stopped watching network TV. I'll numb myself with alcohol. My edamame is gone. How about we drink every time they promote the new show called Private Practice or there's a Victoria's Secret commercial?
First impression rose time. Brad made the mistake of suggesting they do a talent show to earn the rose. He failed to think that perhaps they might not have any talent.
Jenni does a really bizarre dance, and Brad seems enthralled. Michigan model (nose job? Thoughts?) gives Brad a rose. And she's going to sing a song. Oh dear. Oh dear. Yeah, um. What? Was that supposed to be the "Yellow Rose of Texas" melody? Because it sounded more like "Friends in Low Places."
Tammi owns her ass. Juli without an "e" looks somewhat like Carrie Underwood. Except I don't think Carrie Underwood studied karma sutra.
Melissa lost a "boob." And her sobriety. These ladies obviously don't know that those "boobs" are called chicken cutlets.
Morgan announces she has a 'signature move.' This will be good. What? Webbed toes? WEBBED TOES ARE NOT A SIGNATURE MOVE!!!! THAT IS A BIRTH DEFECT!!! WOMAN! STOP!!!! DATING SUICIDE!!!! DO THE WORDS 'NATIONAL TV' MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
Mallory busts out a bikini. Is this the nanny from Hawaii? Do nanny's often instruct their pool mates "I think you should take your pants off?" You know her employers are sitting around the TV right now with their 8 year old son, covering his eyes. Awesome.
The rose! I hear this is a big deal. Oh - burn. Ditched the girls inside. Tell me the nanny gets it.
Oh! Dear! The ugly step sister wins the first impression rose. Giggly. Love! Love! Two loves! Let's drink guys, we may not get another chance!!
Prediction: Giggly the Dancer is going to get old by episode 3. Laughing at every joke is cute for about twelve hours.
I am starting to wonder if Brad is a devout Christian. Because he seems to genuinely think these are quality women and that one of them may be a potential wife. That takes incredible faith.
Recapping the night with Chris. Okay now I know Brad is a BS'er. She has a terrible voice. Oh, thank God. He confessed. "Pretty good voice." If by "pretty good," you mean "beyond repair," then yes.
Pretzel Girl gets panned. Here comes the recap of Morgan's "signature move." That still baffles me. Do you think she's been doing this all her life, thinking that guys think it's hot? Or do you think she just got desperate and used it to get his attention? Jesus, Morgan, get a blog. WebbedFeetMorgan.com might be available.
My beer is warm. What a disappointment.
Here comes the rose ceremony. It always reminds me of that scene from Toy Story where the stuffed alien toys are "chosen" from the crane machine. If you know what I'm talking about, drink.
Jade makes it. Good start. Not an "ee" name. Bettina makes it. A realtor, but we'll take another "ee" free name. McCarten! Yes! Three for three (minus Jenni whom I don't count). Ugh Silly Hillary. DeAnna the Southern Grecian. I think she might stick around for a while. Michele with one L. And bad hair. Carrie Underwood Human Pretzel has still not been chosen. Sheena gets a rose. Did she even talk to him? I don't remember much about her other than her cheesy name.
Steffie? Estefia? Wait...he's calling her Steffie! They totally decided to just agree to disagree on the pronunciation of her name. I can't believe they edited that out. Broken Face Erin makes it. Big Boob "I'm From Austin...But Not Really" Solisa makes it. Lindsey makes it. Who was she? Aren't we done yet? Sarah makes it. Almost falls down. She looks wigged out. Mallory the nanny makes it. How did she dry her hair so fast? Wasn't she just in the pool?
Final rose. Lots of girls left in the wings. Awkward. Christi makes it. The tongue girl? Really? Weird. Maybe he wants some free acupuncture.
Take a moment say goodbye. Thank God he ditched the crazy woman in the gray dress. Love! Love! Sweet. Finish your beer off, you might be able to finish another one at the rate this is going.
The biology teacher with the runaway bride eyes didn't make it. And is crying. I've made a teacher or two cry in my day. Usually it had more to do with my boycotting the curriculum.
What is the selection process for getting on this show? Anyway, the drunk Melissa apparently doesn't know how drunk she was.
Cheers! We can drink too. Might as well.
Love! Drink! Love! Drink! Love! Drink! Love! Drink! This is great! Shirtless! Drink! We've got a season ahead of us! Drink!
Okay drunk Melissa outtakes at the end made that entirely worthwhile. Maybe she'll get her own show.
Okay, single ladies. Commence sobbing into your pillows.